California Gold and Pine Boxes
I had the dream again. The same dream that has haunted me night,
after restless night. The dream that shifts and changes each time it
comes, yet remains, still, the same.
I saw him standing within the center of a sun. Brightness
obscuring him as surely as shadows encased me. I could not see him, but
I could feel his eyes following me. They burned with a heat more
intense than that of any sun. I burrowed deeper into his shining world.
I feared the light of day as I would the flames of the Abyss.
The sun flared in a brilliant flash of crimson gold, as I cringed
backward. I looked back, searching for him. He was gone. I still felt
him, watching me. I whirled about, searching for him, fearing his
absence, and dreading his presence. A cry escaped my lips as my search
ended. He stood before me. My sun-dazzled eyes saw him there, but knew
not the shape of his face, the shade of his eyes, the tint of his lips.
I was afraid, still, but not of him. I feared the light he carried
with him. I closed my eyes, and whispered a single world. "Why?" I
asked much with that one word. I asked why me. I asked why now. I
asked why he cared. I asked why he offered his brilliance to me, who
was so undeserving of it.
He smiled in answer, though I could not see it. I felt his smile,
without knowing why. His voice was soft when he spoke. "Love." He
answered. He reached out with a gentle hand, offering his soul with it.
I stared for a moment, rooted in long-held beliefs and
well-remembered pain. Then I took his hand. I accepted his love, his
gift. He pulled gently and I followed, awkwardly, with tiny steps and
scared eyes.
Cringing, I stepped from the deceptive safety of the shadows, and
into the sun-strewn day. I blinked at the brightness, and turned toward
him. As I grew accustomed to the light once again, his features slowly
came clear. I remembered how to smile, and behgan to hope, again.
And then the dream ended, and I awoke to find daylight had not yet
come, and darkness still painted the sky. I sighed, and lay back
against the pillows, a single tear rolling down my cheek.
He was not here.